Saturday, July 14, 2001

Feeling and Thinking

You ask me to describe my feelings.
I try, but I also readily admit my idea that the more of my emotions I reveal, the more I expose myself to pain.
I too have great questions about your feelings for me.

Are they real?
How strong are they?
What are your fantasies?
Where do you imagine this could take us?

My expressions are restricted by words…
Sometimes words simply are not adequate to clearly and fully express human emotions.
Words can be misinterpreted.
Sometimes, at least for me it is true, that verbalizing feelings is very difficult.
That’s why I hope that my actions, my responses, and the look in my eyes can combine to show you a more complete picture of my hidden emotional world.
It is not my intention to purposely create a puzzle that you must piece together to get an answer.

Rather, I want to share with you my feelings rather than my words. I want you to sense what I feel so that there can be no misinterpretation of lost meaning. I want you to sense what I feel for you because even if sufficient words existed, you may think that they are only words; and that leaves me afraid that you will soon forget both them and me.

Our relationship, our special bond is a challenging one.
We face very many obstacles. Some of these obstacles we have created ourselves.
We refuse to fully allow the joy of our togetherness because we fear the imminent end of our relationship.

How absolutely ridiculous is it to ignore life simply because we fear death?
Our relationship is so challenging.
We have allowed ourselves to be so restricted by our lives and experiences that we REFUSE to permit the natural growth and development of our relationship.
We are forcefully and intentionally destroying something that we both deeply feel to be a truly beautiful thing.
We destroy the sapling because it is growing too fast.
We prevent its natural progress and demolish any possible future because we fear the tainted fruit the mature plant might bear.
We talk about selfishness and jealousy; these are not unnatural
feelings between two people who share the special bond that we have

I don’t want to share you with anyone else, and I like to know that you want me all to yourself. Of all that we have and will share, pain is the most prevalent.
Pain not because of our closeness, but pain because of the insurmountable distance between us.

The imminent reality we constantly face that tells us how wrong we are to have these feelings; How wrong we are to allow it to continue to grow; and how wrong it makes us feel to share something so obviously special that feels so right!

In all reality, I do not believe that we are selfish people at all.
We spend most of our time concerned with how our relationship will affect the other people in our lives.

As much as we hate it, as bad as it hurts, we both know that we will sacrifice our love for each other to save the other people that are important in our lives.

We put their feelings before our own pain.
Truly selfish people do not surrender as much.
Painful, yes, but it is our pain and we will share it.
Sometimes the right decisions are the most difficult to make.
Sometimes doing the right thing feels completely wrong.
I will not forget US!