Investment Risks and Rewards

Treat any relationship like an investment. That is what is actually is, right?

Be aware that there are both long term and short term investments.

Thoroughly research the product before investing; don’t rush in simply because it is the talk of the town or catches a lot of eyes. Trends change quickly and what is “hot” today can be chilly in an instant.

Know your goal before investing heavily.

Understand how much you are willing to lose before pulling out.

Know when to cut your losses and sell.

Research and constantly assess the potential for growth and return on investment.

Understand the stocks position and history: frequency of fluctuations, prospect for market decline, management style, if it has been poorly managed, ROI and of great importance to your own reputation: whether she is privately or publicly held.

You can always apply the gambler’s advice: “You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em; know when to walk away and know when to run.”

A-men!

Same Sex Civil Unions

I have made the mistake of stating out loud that whenever we reach the point where same sex civil unions are legalized I’ll be one of the first to partake. Obviously I understand why this statement draws stares, but what I mean is simply that it sounds like a grand opportunity. I have male friends that I’ve known for years and although we sometimes disagree on things, we’ve never had a fight that was significant. I trust them completely with my property, finances and even my life. So if the government allowed us to “marry” then I can see that as a very positive move. We’d be able to join resources to maximize assets, minimize liabilities and share all sorts of benefits such as pensions, social security, life insurance, medical insurance and tax breaks.

But of course, I’d have to insist on separate beds and a very clear no sex clause. Wait a minute…that part sounds a lot like my first marriage; yet it was to a woman and we had no such clause!

Long Term Dummy

I don’t consider myself incapable of long term relationships or even averse to them, but admittedly I haven’t had much luck with them. I’ve attempted four of them in the last eight years; the longest endured nearly a year and the shortest made it only four months. The other two fell in between those time frames at ten and seven months each. One ended at my request, one was doused by my girlfriend and the other two were moving along fine for a while but eventually just waned into uninspiring territory from which we both amicably receded. I’d describe it something like a tuna sandwich that you let sit a little bit too long before eating. The mayonnaise and pickle juice soaked into the bread and that did a lot to ruin the whole meal. It was still the same sandwich, but it didn’t hold nearly the same appeal. We nibbled around the soggy portion for a while, but neither of us was truly hungry enough to actually consume that last moist bite. Those two relationships had simply run their course and I still remain friends with both of those ladies.

No friendship survived the other two. One woman attempted to have me swear that I’d never date another woman for the rest of my life. When I refused to do something so ridiculous, she declared that I’d never hear from her again. So far that has been the case. In the other scenario, the lady clearly could not have cared any less about me or our relationship. She simply disappeared. It’s as if she evaporated like a salted slug or was abducted and removed entirely from the planet. No calls, no emails, no texts and not a single reason, excuse or even a good bye. Oh, and that was also the very first time I’ve had a relationship end with me owing her money.

As far as I know she woke up one morning with amnesia and to this date has never recovered any memory of me or us. It was weird for me, but in the end the experience was truly the least stressful break-up I’ve ever endured…though I admit that questions do linger in my head. Could that have been her goal? I dunno. I remain flummoxed by that one.

I cannot figure out why the two longer more serious relationships ended completely and the other two briefer, more casual encounters resulted in lasting friendships. But as usual I do have a few theories. It evidently exhibits an all or nothing attitude and clearly shows an overall incompatibility. These two women were more set on achieving some ultimate relationship goal than ever having or sustaining a friendship. Their interest was in being paired much more than any possible desire in me being their partner in the pairing. Maybe they didn’t even like me, but simply saw me as a step in gaining something better. I was merely the dummy seated in the passenger seat which allowed them to travel the HOV lane of life.

The Result of Experience

I feel like I’ve left you with the sense that I’m more focused on money than anything else in. It is true that I frequently elaborate on specific financial aspects of relationships, but it is merely to explain the importance. I’ve read of several surveys in which financial incompatibility is listed as the primary reason for divorce. Some marriage counselors and economic professionals quote statistics of greater than half of divorces being a direct result of financial mismanagement by one of the “trusted” partners. Yes, a large number of marriages end because of economic incompatibility.

So it is not just me. Sure, some may try to label me as cheap, but I look at it quite differently. My view is that a thoughtful consumer is a better saver. I’ve never gone so far as coupon clipping or sale chasing, but I will admit to recycling, reusing and to being greatly impressed every time I see one of those shows where in which a shopper walks out of a store with a cart full of highly discounted and near free items.

If there is a better deal coming soon or a lower price around the corner then I will wait for the sale or walk around that proverbial corner. I’ve always been planner and a saver. I’ve always run my affairs on a budget and even in the days of only bringing in $3-$7 and hour I always found a way to save something. In the early days I thought mostly of saving for emergencies such as a vehicle breakdown. Over the years, as I matured professionally and financially, I also focused on saving for the future. Whenever I had the desire to buy something that I didn’t need I went through a long process of weighing pluses and minuses to determine if I would actually make the purchase. If I convinced myself that I actually needed it or really thought I’d make good use of it, then I would adjust my budget to begin saving for the major purchase. That’s right: I didn’t run out and make an impulse purchase. I would not touch my emergency fund for a luxury item. I’d find leeway in my existing budget to put aside money each month. If that meant going out less, working overtime or taking on another job then that’s exactly what I did. By the time I’d saved the money required to buy the item I felt more like I could afford it and it was easier to part with the cash as I was more able to justify that I’d worked for the nonessential gift to myself. I’ve been responsible like this since I was a teenager. I guess I’d have to credit my parents for preparing me for life as they taught me by their own responsible example.

Then, in the middle of my third decade, my world came crashing down around me. A divorce wrought havoc on my master plan, tearing down the walls of security I had worked so hard to build. I was modestly proud to be well ahead of the average man my age with retirement savings, personal investments and children’s college funds, but this comforting position was destroyed in this hateful event.

So I would categorize my reaction to any further threat as falling within a normal range. You may compare me to those people who only decide to lock their car doors, clutch their purse tighter or install a home alarm as a result of having been robbed at least once. Yes it is reactionary, but it is a totally natural reaction. After you touch a hot stove once, you aren’t likely to make the same careless error again. Yes, it would have been better if the proper precautions were taken in advance, but Monday morning quarterbacking is of no use. Once you realize the negatives from having suffered the bad stuff, doesn’t it make more sense to build a better defense from that point on? How stupid would a person look if they voluntarily remained a perfect victim: aware of the threat yet accepting it without any preparation or precaution.

So, that is how I see myself. I am proceeding along life’s treacherous path at a somewhat reduced pace, but with an extraordinary amount of care. If you are not moving along in the same manner, then you have failed to learn anything from my experiences and will instead wait for the eventual opportunity to learn from your own. I wish you the best of luck and the least of failure in this process.

Temporary vs Permanent

Relationships are fragile; so much so that the end is often a complete surprise to one or both parties. Rhiana and I seemed a near perfect match, but she disposed of me like last year’s picture-less calendar. I was flabbergasted. Stung that she’d dropped me and stunned further at the abrupt manner it happened. There was no explanation or even a good bye. My calls, questions and texts were ignored. I gave up after a couple days to avoid crossing that line from whence I could be labeled stalker and to prevent myself from just looking pitiful.

Thank goodness I never got one of those prison-style neck tattoos with her name on it. Of course I’ve never actually considered doing that. It is only on my mind because I saw a lady with one this morning. I am always amazed when I see someone, especially a good looking woman with some dude’s name scribbled high up on her neck. That is not something you can easily get rid of. Of course, they wear it in a place they will never actually see it, but it will be there in every mirror and photograph for the rest of her life. Will she limit future relationships to guys with the same name? It is something to ponder…if you have that kind of time on your hands.

If I ever did go so far as to put permanent ink on my throat I certainly hope I’d have the good sense to go with something enduring like “my girl”, “I’m with her” or my own name. Other than the fact that the neck is mine until the end and that I’ll most likely still be dating girls, I can think of nothing else as long lasting. Certainly not any relationship I’ve experienced so far.

I did nearly get a tattoo once. I was a young, nineteen-year-old Marine, barely off Parris Island and busy drinking with friends. Someone brought up the idea of tattoos and I was as motivated at the idea as the next fellow under the influence of alcohol and peer pressure. I picked out some real hard corps tattoo with the large initials ‘USMC’ complete with raging flames around it. I recall that I did have the idea to place it on my forearm or chest so that I could cover it when necessary. But in the end I didn’t go through with it. No, I didn’t chicken out, but once I sat in the chair, the guy working the needle decided to up the price almost thirty percent from what I’d seen posted. I questioned his math and he responded “the prices went up but I haven’t changed the signs yet.” I quickly hopped out of the chair and declared loudly to my friends that I wasn’t giving this scammer my business. One or two of the fellows went through with it, but I never even considered it again since that night. I was a very highly motivated young Marine, but I was also both quite frugal and very much against being taken advantage of.

I think that this particular story sums up a lot about me since many of my posted views touch on an aversion to wasting money on poor relationship investments and a strong desire to avoid being manipulated and used whenever possible.

No Free Parking

How far has our society fallen when considering the low self esteem of our young ladies? What has caused today’s young women t think of themselves as nothing more than parking meters?

No sooner do I attempt to commence a conversation with a young lady and she has to interrupt me with a demanding: “Buy me a drink.” Clearly she has failed to keep up with the pace of conversation and is probably completely ignorant of the subject of whatever interesting information I am so amicably sharing with her. Instead, she boasts a total lack of interest and proclaims that if she must be so burdened to listen to my drivel then I will have to feed the meter by buying a drink; otherwise this uninterested pair of female ears will move on.

I have been ignored before; and I have been ignored quite a lot. I have been married and I’ve also had friends that ignored me just like a spouse would, so it is nothing new to me. I really don’t like the idea of paying for someone to listen to me at this point in my life. In fact, I have become so accustomed to talking with myself that I sometimes do it in public. I don’t mean to and I stop as soon as I realize it, but it is so much a part of my life now that I can’t seem to completely prevent it. But I’m not crazy; not at all. It isn’t as if I’m talking to someone who isn’t there or an imaginary friend: I’m talking with myself and I am right there. I hear myself and I enjoy both sides of the conversation. Sometimes only half of the conversation is audible as the other side is inside my head, but frequently both sides of the discussion are spoken aloud.

So it is my position that if this woman cannot see that what I have to say is so valuable that she should be offering me a drink, then she is surely not capable of comprehending the incredible insight I am divulging. So I cease talking, shaking my head back and forth while giving her a little smile of acknowledgement to let her know I’m not interested in her sort of game. To accent my point I signal the bartender for one beer. No further words are necessary and she quietly moves on to graze on some other fellows green pastures.

Alone, I can now discuss the problems with modern women. I smile at my own resilience as I remind myself that we can drink twice as much for half the price now that she has departed. Cheers!

Desire Versus Deserve

Another difference between men and women is how they see themselves over time and the concepts they have of what makes an acceptable partner. Most men’s standards for choosing a mate rise with age, while those of women who can hear that clock ticking will move towards the lower end of the scale.

The male began his life’s journey with the shallow mind of a boy and the volcanic churnings of testosterone that youth is incapable of controlling. Therefore his search began with a simple concept to describe his ideal woman: ‘there.’ Thats right, the young males greatest aphrodisiac is proximity.

The mature man wants something better. On top of that, he has convinced himself that karma owes him this. He believes that he deserves a reward for having worked hard, suffered a rough life or other miserable failures for which he refuses to accept the blame. This way of thinking is clearly a sign of senility. You simply do not earn tokens in life that you may later cash in for a "hot young thang." Nevertheless, I think nearly all men come to this point. To further exacerbate this ridiculous illusion...men will often actually succeed in luring the attentions of a younger female. But karma has nothing to do with that. An older man usually has a little more money in his pocket as well as the knowledge that an appropriately dangled dollar is as attractive to the young, materialistic human female as a juicy worm is to a hungry fish.

An aging woman started out looking for Prince Charming and her every effort fell horrifically short of reaching that elusive happily-ever-after. She resisted, held out and successfully kept those she considered unworthy at bay. The prince she waited for never showed up. The few semi-gallant callers she allowed eventually turned out to be nothing more than jesters posing in knight’s armor. Later in life, she finally realizes that all men are toads and she can only select the best of the bunch. She has regrets for some of those she scorned as she views the sparse pickings remaining on the lily pads around her. After years of disappoint and a mounting sense of time running out, she resorts to the strategy of grabbing any wart covered sucker that hops along.

Pay Dates

I’ve always found it humorous to hear a man declare: “I’ve never paid for a woman’s company.” Clearly this can only be stated by a man who has never spent any time with a woman. Dating, courting and even flirting incurs expense. Even attempting to engage a woman in conversation is oftentimes costly. Do you think she’s going to be there simply to be showered with your great wit or amazing insight alone? Keep dreaming pal! Detaining her through means involving force is frowned upon and can lead to involvement by authorities, so you’ll only maintain her attention as long as you are providing entertainment, drinks and food to keep her in range.

Yes, I agree that this does look quite similar to the practice of enticing game into a particular killing field by placing food and treats at strategic location. In fact, it is the exact same thing. But so far this technique has not been outlawed and as long as you stick to only threatening women with your bad jokes and poor pick up lines then you’ll remain on the safe side of the law.

If you were to keep track of the expenses you rack up for transportation, clothing, telephone calls, letters, dates, dinners, movies, flowers, drinks and the endless list of other little gadgets, gifts and trinkets you will be amazed at the investment required to court a woman. Most of the time the risk of loss greatly outweighs the long shot chance of reward. My personal record is horrendous so I won’t even produce statistics.

I guarantee you that a true cost comparison analysis would reveal that the short term rental of female escort services for an evening would prove immensely less costly than the long term plan of repeated, unstable payments required to maintain a woman.

Then you have to consider the intangible costs as well. Sanity saved alone would be incalculable. Subtract the inevitable heartache, hours of boring conversation you pretend to be interested in, meeting her family and hanging out with her friends, attending the events or show she’ll undoubtedly drag you to, dealing with unpredictably dramatic mood swings and other things you must endure, but cannot comprehend.

I met an old man once who expressed his wished for the reimbursement of time spent waiting outside shoe stores for his wife of forte-seven years. A brief glint in his eye was evident as he spoke of this secret dream. Alas, it was quickly squashed when his wife poked her head out of the store to shout loudly at him: “What are you doing? Don’t talk to strangers! You’re supposed to be watching my purse.”

His face quickly drooped even lower than before as the gray clouds resettled over his irises and he turned away from me without bothering to say goodbye. I moved several paces away to give him space to brood as well as to prevent enraging his keeper even further. But I did not leave the area completely. I watched the elderly gentleman from afar for a short while longer…maybe as much as ten minutes more as I pondered how he arrived at such a state. The man wore a cap labeling himself as a veteran of World War II so he clearly had not been led around by the nose his entire life. He was mostly bald now and a bit slumped at the shoulders, but a aged war veteran with a wife like an active drill instructor could be expected to stand a little less tall after nearly half a century of her abuse. As difficult as it was for me to stare, I wanted to ensure that this image was engrained on my mental hard drive in hopes that I would never allow myself to arrive at such a pitiful place in life.

I’m still working on preventing my own demise.

Commitment

Consent to marriage is not unlike voluntarily offering oneself for commitment to an asylum. If you think it’s bad on the outside and that somehow support from the institution will help, then you’ll most likely be sorely disappointed at the plain brick walls, thin mattresses, rubber wallpaper, unflattering robes, plastic utensils, bland food and writing with crayons versus pencils. You know it’s going to be hell, but since you’ve clearly given up on better prospects in the future, you might as well jump on into that crazy whirlpool with full restraints in place.

Mismatched Pairings

If you’ve failed alone thus far in life, then seeking a partner to aid in making a better future seems reasonable. But one must remember that if this is your goal (and it is for so many) then the quality of your selection is critically important. It is imperative to ensure that your potential mate shares similar attitudes and goals in life.

A negative and a positive will still ultimately equate to a negative. You should not enter a relationship because you’re after a savior. Likewise, it makes no sense at all to develop a partnership with someone who offers nothing but negativity to your equation.

If you are sinking, then clinging to a stone is no solution; instead you’ll want someone at least buoyant and at best a strong swimmer. If you are in debt, then a partner with a great career and financially savvy is very attractive, but if you are a rising star then it doesn’t make sense to join forces with someone who is incapable of successfully mustering the effort to climb at least a few steps up from his or her dismal situation.

Beware the mismatched pairings!

What About This “Independent Woman” Claim?

I have come to believe that this phenomenon is NOT the declaration of a lifestyle choice to prove that she is strong, capable, smart and independent enough to take care of everything on her own. It is NOT a declaration that she refuses on principle to rely on a man for anything. All it really seems to mean is that she doesn’t currently have a man paying her way.

Watch how fast her tune changes once a man presents an interest. Her pride and her wallet will go tucked away together, deeply into that cavernous purse she paid a lot more for than I spent on my first car. It won’t see the light of day again until she finishes with the poor guy and she once again regresses behind raising the flag of "independence" as a manner of consoling herself on the loss of a partner and the current lack of a man she can manipulate.

Mourning Glory

It is customary for many people to mourn and cry at a funeral. We’ve all seen this in our lifetimes and we can certainly understand the great feelings of loss suffered by family and loved ones. Surely we too have each experienced similar losses. To us, the fact that some cultures celebrate the departure of family members from this life is foreign. But with thorough consideration, we can understand that with all the misery in this Earthly life, they celebrate their loved one’s release from this difficult trial period and expected move to something greater.

So why do we not have similar celebrations when a friend or family member is delivered from a bad marriage? It seems to make more sense to me that we celebrate this new, second chance in life, in this same dimension with even greater vigor than when one moves on from this life. Actually, I believe it should be an even larger celebration because the guest of honor in this instance is still with us. There are no regrets of things never spoken or apologies never offered… because the guest of honor is still among the living and partying right alongside us!

One concern might be that it is not the best time to be throwing a huge party when nearly half of divorcees suffer immediate financial devastation. Think of it as many do in case of the funeral party: if the subject’s estate cannot afford it, then other people (family, friends, loved ones) chip in to pay for it. You cannot argue that there is much more to celebrate at this renewal than at the fiesta of final goodbyes.

Games: Just Fun or Truly Dangerous?

Three or four times I’ve arranged an offline meeting with a girl I met online only to be stood up.

I’ve met several women online and later dated them: some successfully and others not so much. But what I cannot understand is the motivation behind the three or four times I’ve made arrangements to meet offline and wound up being stood up. I have always wondered whether I was being tricked by a co-worker or an angry ex. Maybe it was even a stranger who got some weird thrill from playing this silly game. Simply some run-of-the-mill nut job with too much money and too much time on his or her hands to mentally focus on anything more productive.

I don’t really see where the enjoyment could come in unless you were actually able to watch the reaction of the fellow being deceived. That brings up other concerns. What if this person is actually a serial killer randomly selecting his or her next victim from an online chat room? Could it be someone whose significant other became involved in an online romance and now he or she is seeking revenge with which ever poor sod is the first to agree to meet outside the entrance of a local pub or eatery?

If you’ve experienced similar tricks, did you ever wonder if you might be the victim of some evil game of deceit or were you possibly being set up for easy sniper bait? Who knows or understands the depravity of the human mind? As always, you should proceed with extreme caution when meeting someone from the Web. So many people hide their true selves when creating an online persona. You could very possibly be going on a date with the attractive avatar of a vicious ax murderer.

Understand What are You Looking For

Those ideas you developed about what was cool and attractive as a teenager are probably quite the opposite of what you really want to pursue later in life: a rebellious joker, avid smoker, possible doper who spend more time detailing his car or brushing her hair than studying for exams. Those same traits are probably not what you wish to attach yourself to for the long term.

Guys in high school were often cool…but it was temporary. The same goes for girls. The one’s who were the hottest most sought after the freshman year were very often burnt out and much less interesting by graduation day. Peak too soon and your shelf life is greatly reduced. The faster you drive the quicker you burn through the tank.

Priorities and perspectives change as we grow up and learn about the world. At least they should. Some women are still attracted to the bad boy, leather jacket, long haired, earring wearing type that stood out from the crown in secondary school. Individuals who have continued on these same lines are too attached to the past and basically have not evolved or matured: maybe as a result of bad experiences, feelings of inadequacy or just a strong desire to relive the old days. There are men who are still attracted to the cute, ditzy cheerleader type as well: those who are willing to go out in public with excessive makeup, perfume and hairspray, accompanied by too little clothing revealing way too much skin. Neither of these scenarios are meant to be cruel, but rather to examine how our interests change.

Back in school you didn’t consider who would be the best provider, strongest breadwinner, who you could trust most, which might endure the test of time. No, back then we were attracted more to high profile, stylish, flashy, fast, wild and full of thrills. After several years of riding this roller coaster, nausea will inevitably set in and most of us will snap to reality and recognize that it’s time to settle down from such a volatile lifestyle. I don’t want to sound like I’m knocking fun, but at some point we should realize that there are consequences to prolonging this youthful exuberance and that, like it or not, we have to settle down and manage the string of responsibilities that are continually being hitched to us as we proceed through life.

Turkey Day Power Play

Thanksgiving is a holiday I look forward to, mostly for the food and fellowship…in that order. It seems it is a difficult time for any relationship I might be in as well. In recent years the Thanksgiving holiday has coincided with the serving of divorce documents; a date embarrassed me in front of close friends then asked for money to fight her pending drug conviction; and now this year the girl I was seeing backed out of long-planned event and had the feast with someone else! Oddly enough, I still think of this holiday as one of my most favorite days of the year.

My most recent Thanksgiving adventure began back in July when I made plans to have the big meal with my very good friend Lenny and his family. I planned to take my kids and my girlfriend. Everyone involved was informed and eager to go. The first obstacle was presented by my ex wife when she declared that the kids could not go as long as I was “taking that woman” with me. I expressed my disappointment, but didn’t argue with her decision (since I knew that was what she was ultimately after anyway).

In October, my girlfriend and I had lunch with the couple who was hosting the upcoming meal. My girlfriend even volunteered to prepare a dish for the feast. Everything seemed in order for a great holiday as we entered into the later part of November. Then, just one day prior to Thanksgiving, the girl I’d been seeing since January asked what I was doing for the holiday.

“Going to Lenny’s house of course.”

“Why do you always go to his house?”

“Well, for one, there ain’t no food at my place; and two, he invited us and I guarantee there will be a whole lot of really delicious food.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“Why not?” I asked with surprise.

“Because I want to spend the holiday with you.”

“That’s perfect, I’ll be at Lenny’s.”

“You’re not going to spend it with me?”

“If you come with me you will. What’s the problem?”

“I don’t know why you can’t just spend the day with me. But you’d rather go to your friend’s house.”

“Why are you acting like this? This has been planned for months.”

“You never told me about it.” She stated.

“What? Of course I did. It’s been on the schedule since July. Lenny and his wife even told you about it when we had lunch together over a month ago.”

“No, this is the first I’ve heard of it” she insisted.

“Okay” I relented not wanting to argue over something so stupid “I promised to go and I’m going.”

“You’re not going to spend Thanksgiving with me?”

“Not if you’re staying home. I’m going to eat with my friends.”

I went home that night sort of expecting her to call and change her mind. She didn’t. On Thanksgiving day I went to my friends’ house. The girl called about 5:00pm and asked if I was coming over.

“I’m at Lenny’s house and we havent’ eaten yet.”

“You still haven’t eaten?”

“No, not yet. I’ve been waiting all day and am starving. I think we’re waiting on one last person to arrive, then we’ll begin the meal.”

“Well I already ate” she informed me.

“Really?” I asked. “What did you have?”

“Turkey, ham, dressing, potatoes and some desserts.”

“What?!” I asked in surprise. “Did you cook?”

“No. I went to a friend’s house.”

I now had another confusing clue as to why she’d refused to come with me today, but I didn’t want to discuss her alternate plans at that time.

“Are you coming over later?” she asked.

“I don’t know. We haven’t begun the meal yet and I won’t want to leave right after. Plus we are having a few drinks.”

“I want to see you.”

“Well, I’ll give you a call when I leave here and if it’s not too late I’ll stop by. Are you working tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I’ll give you a call later.” I promised.

Later came quickly. We ate a lot and then had a few drinks. When I realized it was nearing 8:00pm I tried to call, but my iPhone wasn’t working. The screen was frozen in the on position and my attempts to reset it by tapping the menu button didn’t work. I tried the power button on top, but the phone still didn’t respond. I assumed it just needed time so I stuck it back in my pocket and returned to conversing with friends. An hour later I pulled it out and found the exact same thing. I showed the guy next to me and told him it had been in that state over an hour. He removed the iPhone from its case and holding down both the power and menu buttons successfully reset the device. After a restart I was going to make the call, but saw that it was now nearing 10:00pm. Knowing that she had to work early, I decided not to call and simply sent a quick text explaining that I was still at the party and had been unable to call earlier because my phone was frozen. I realized that it would sound like a poor excuse, but I thought telling the truth would be better than neither calling nor texting at all. I never received a response.

The following day I called and left a voice message in the morning. About lunch time I sent another text since I assumed she was busy at work. I never heard from her again.

My reading on the situation is that her weird refusal to participate in Thanksgiving Day plans had nothing to do with her lack of interest in the holiday and everything to do with her attempt to pull a power play. She wanted to see if I would turn my back on friends at her request and forgo my long planned activities just to spend the day with her. She got her answer, though I’m certain it wasn’t what she expected. I got my Thanksgiving meal and it was exactly what I was expecting, though I was disappointed that two crazy women had interfered with my hopes to spend the day happily with friends and my kids.

Difficulty with Breaking Up

I have a tendency to remain too long in relationships even after realizing it isn’t going in a desired direction. I’m more passive in a relationship and will go along just to avoid conflict and keep the other person happy. I’ve been accused of being too nice by some friends. Eventually my discomfort builds up and I require an escape.

Maybe the girl becomes more attached than I intended or realized and before I know it we are skewed in our efforts to enjoy each other’s company. When our hopes and desires don’t match, then every conversation is dominated by suggestions of how we can fix it and what else we might try to create something that we both realize clearly isn’t present. This of course makes spending time unpleasant, uncomfortable and ultimately undesirable. Communication wanes and the whole thing eventually dissolves; often without solid closure.

I had a new thought though: maybe it is I who is the clingy one. Even after repeated failures I continue trying until frustration eventually overthrows the most intense efforts and interests. There are women who I dated years ago and some I haven’t seen in decades, but I still remain in contact with their close friends or immediate family members. Is it odd that twenty years after ending a relationship with a young lady I’m still sending greeting cards, talking on the phone and sharing meals with their father, brother, sister, cousin, niece or grandparent?

If I’m clinging to anything then I’m sure it is the good memories I have from youthful days. But could the extent to which I maintain an attachment be considered obsessive?

Marriage: Yes or No?

I saw a report on television a few days ago concerning a survey which revealed nearly half of Americans questioned reportedly could not see any true value in marriage.

Legally, it is skewed.
Emotionally it can be tortuous.
Financially, it is quite often disastrous.

There is far more to lose than to gain. Clearly the negatives outweigh the positives.
Married men are not even afforded the same opportunity for hope frequently given to convicted felons: the coveted chance for early parole or sentence reduction.

Most of those still holding out hope for a legal union being the answer to it all are simply too unfamiliar with the world to have a grasp on things. They are young, inexperienced with relationships and still fantasizing about such fairy tale possibilities as a prince riding a white horse rolling onto the scene of a gorgeous young maiden laid out on a slab in the wilderness all his for the taking.

Did you ever notice that most of the older people cast in major roles in fairy tales are not ones who children would wish to emulate. They are often cruel or sad figures representing the evils of fading youth. The malevolent king, the evil stepmother, the old wrinkled witch, the sad old lady living in a shoe, the hungry old cannibal lady who is so hungry that she tries to lure lost children into her home and eventually into her oven.

Who wrote these horrible stories and why were they so adamantly against mature folks?

Are You Hosting?

A tick embedded in your skin is always with you. But this companion is neither friend nor an equal partner. It takes from you what it needs to live and gives you nothing in return except possible severe illness.

Unmolested, it will remain with you as long as you permit it to do so: sucking you dry for sustenance. The tick will always be a burden to its host.

It has no special feelings for you and will quickly latch onto another should you become unavailable, unwilling or unworthy.

There are people who behave just like the tick. If you find yourself as a host, wise up and pluck the parasite off immediately.

Divorce provided the opportunity for me to reconnect with my parents

A child matures towards adulthood and seeks to expand his horizons, make his own decisions and experience a long dreamed of freedom. It is completely normal that we depart the home of our parental figures and seek to develop and create our own lives.

After the divorce, I began talking more to my parents. My mother worried about me as well as my young children so I tried to ease their minds by greatly increasing the frequencies of my telephone calls and visits. It was a positive experience that as an adult I had the rare opportunity to reconnect with my parents. My parents clearly enjoyed the increased communication, visits and vacations together as well. All of those experiences most likely never would have had occurred had I continued on the original path of matrimony.

It was a coming home of sorts. It helped me and my parents as well through a difficult time. The resulting closer relationship with my mother was a Godsend; for us both. Dr. Freud would surely have had something to say about that comment, but then his mind ran on a single track. Wherever life took him, his train always circled back to that single station of perverted thought.

Men and Women Don't Hear the Same Thing in Silence

This once again exhibits the extreme difference between men and women. A man

can sit quietly on the sofa, in the car or relaxing on the patio with his preferred female companion without a word being spoken. The silence allows the man to relax and his comfort is definitely enhanced by the knowledge that he has a lovely, faithful companion beside him. These are the times when a man can ponder

how wonderful it is to actually be in a relationship and appreciate the fact that he

has found such a woman with whom he can share such a feeling of partnership. But that same woman, sitting so very near to that relaxed, content man, is not experiencing the same comfortable bliss. Instead, her female mind is racing through scores of scenarios concerned with why he isn’t talking:

Who is he thinking of?

What is he angry about?

Is he going to dump me?

Does he have another woman?

Is he unhappy here?

Is he feeling trapped and is now searching for a way to escape from me?

Is he thinking of something I did which upset him?

Is he remembering the time I didn’t do that thing he wanted me to do?

Is it because of something I said?

Is it because of something I haven’t yet told him?

Is he wondering how much I spent on this dress?

Does he think this dress makes me look fat?

The list is probably without end, but I am working with a man’s brain so I can only must a short compendium of similar worries I’ve heard previously.

I was myself in just such a situation once and it pains me to admit that it was actually me who broke both the silence and the sentiment. “My favorite time with you is when you’re not talking” I said sweetly. Being the astute ladies man that I am quite well known to be, I actually employed this very line on a young lady. Needless to say, it didn’t go over very well. You can pour a half-ton of sweetener of your choice on a pile of crap, but it will never convert it into a desirable treat.

But I’d like to take this opportunity to explain to you the true meaning behind the statement which I never had the chance to explain to my fleeing ex lady friend. What I actually intended was a compliment. It was meant to be an observation that our relationship had reached a point where we didn’t feel the constant need

to impress and entertain each other. We were comfortable with the knowledge that we were both where we wanted to be and we could share a moment of silent togetherness that clearly expressed, even with the absence of words, our devotion and contentment. That was when I had to open my big mouth and ruin it by interjecting my totally unnecessary words of not-too-well-thought-out wisdom.