Understand What are You Looking For

Those ideas you developed about what was cool and attractive as a teenager are probably quite the opposite of what you really want to pursue later in life: a rebellious joker, avid smoker, possible doper who spend more time detailing his car or brushing her hair than studying for exams. Those same traits are probably not what you wish to attach yourself to for the long term.

Guys in high school were often cool…but it was temporary. The same goes for girls. The one’s who were the hottest most sought after the freshman year were very often burnt out and much less interesting by graduation day. Peak too soon and your shelf life is greatly reduced. The faster you drive the quicker you burn through the tank.

Priorities and perspectives change as we grow up and learn about the world. At least they should. Some women are still attracted to the bad boy, leather jacket, long haired, earring wearing type that stood out from the crown in secondary school. Individuals who have continued on these same lines are too attached to the past and basically have not evolved or matured: maybe as a result of bad experiences, feelings of inadequacy or just a strong desire to relive the old days. There are men who are still attracted to the cute, ditzy cheerleader type as well: those who are willing to go out in public with excessive makeup, perfume and hairspray, accompanied by too little clothing revealing way too much skin. Neither of these scenarios are meant to be cruel, but rather to examine how our interests change.

Back in school you didn’t consider who would be the best provider, strongest breadwinner, who you could trust most, which might endure the test of time. No, back then we were attracted more to high profile, stylish, flashy, fast, wild and full of thrills. After several years of riding this roller coaster, nausea will inevitably set in and most of us will snap to reality and recognize that it’s time to settle down from such a volatile lifestyle. I don’t want to sound like I’m knocking fun, but at some point we should realize that there are consequences to prolonging this youthful exuberance and that, like it or not, we have to settle down and manage the string of responsibilities that are continually being hitched to us as we proceed through life.

Friendship

At the commencement of a new calendar year, immediately following this spate of exhausting holidays, our ears continually bombarded with news of disasters and gloom from around the globe as well as negative connotations for our nation’s future, let us not forget what is truly most important and behave like a star. No, don’t look towards Hollywood for guidance, I mean the other kind of star. Position yourself at the nucleus of a positive universe. Pull into your individual orbit those people, values and beliefs most significant to you. Surround yourself with the family and friends most critical to your existence and shine on them like you never have before. Set the example. Provide the assistance, support and influence they require and these same blessings will reflect back upon you. Abandon selfishness and extend a hand. Reach out to a family member; call a friend from days long gone by. Our time here is limited, but our hearts have infinite capacity for love and friendship. May God bless you all.

“If I were a red bird flying high above the sea,
I would want some other bird to come and fly with me.
Though circling way up high beyond this troublesome land,
man could not survive without the touch of a helping hand.
A hand that guides you; if you’re lost shows you the way home.
But you might cry and so would I to find ourselves alone.
So throughout your long lived days be needed as a friend,
for someday you may need someone to
journey with before you reach the end."

{Excerpt from a poem titled “Alone” by Alvin Willie}

Turkey Day Power Play

Thanksgiving is a holiday I look forward to, mostly for the food and fellowship…in that order. It seems it is a difficult time for any relationship I might be in as well. In recent years the Thanksgiving holiday has coincided with the serving of divorce documents; a date embarrassed me in front of close friends then asked for money to fight her pending drug conviction; and now this year the girl I was seeing backed out of long-planned event and had the feast with someone else! Oddly enough, I still think of this holiday as one of my most favorite days of the year.

My most recent Thanksgiving adventure began back in July when I made plans to have the big meal with my very good friend Lenny and his family. I planned to take my kids and my girlfriend. Everyone involved was informed and eager to go. The first obstacle was presented by my ex wife when she declared that the kids could not go as long as I was “taking that woman” with me. I expressed my disappointment, but didn’t argue with her decision (since I knew that was what she was ultimately after anyway).

In October, my girlfriend and I had lunch with the couple who was hosting the upcoming meal. My girlfriend even volunteered to prepare a dish for the feast. Everything seemed in order for a great holiday as we entered into the later part of November. Then, just one day prior to Thanksgiving, the girl I’d been seeing since January asked what I was doing for the holiday.

“Going to Lenny’s house of course.”

“Why do you always go to his house?”

“Well, for one, there ain’t no food at my place; and two, he invited us and I guarantee there will be a whole lot of really delicious food.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“Why not?” I asked with surprise.

“Because I want to spend the holiday with you.”

“That’s perfect, I’ll be at Lenny’s.”

“You’re not going to spend it with me?”

“If you come with me you will. What’s the problem?”

“I don’t know why you can’t just spend the day with me. But you’d rather go to your friend’s house.”

“Why are you acting like this? This has been planned for months.”

“You never told me about it.” She stated.

“What? Of course I did. It’s been on the schedule since July. Lenny and his wife even told you about it when we had lunch together over a month ago.”

“No, this is the first I’ve heard of it” she insisted.

“Okay” I relented not wanting to argue over something so stupid “I promised to go and I’m going.”

“You’re not going to spend Thanksgiving with me?”

“Not if you’re staying home. I’m going to eat with my friends.”

I went home that night sort of expecting her to call and change her mind. She didn’t. On Thanksgiving day I went to my friends’ house. The girl called about 5:00pm and asked if I was coming over.

“I’m at Lenny’s house and we havent’ eaten yet.”

“You still haven’t eaten?”

“No, not yet. I’ve been waiting all day and am starving. I think we’re waiting on one last person to arrive, then we’ll begin the meal.”

“Well I already ate” she informed me.

“Really?” I asked. “What did you have?”

“Turkey, ham, dressing, potatoes and some desserts.”

“What?!” I asked in surprise. “Did you cook?”

“No. I went to a friend’s house.”

I now had another confusing clue as to why she’d refused to come with me today, but I didn’t want to discuss her alternate plans at that time.

“Are you coming over later?” she asked.

“I don’t know. We haven’t begun the meal yet and I won’t want to leave right after. Plus we are having a few drinks.”

“I want to see you.”

“Well, I’ll give you a call when I leave here and if it’s not too late I’ll stop by. Are you working tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I’ll give you a call later.” I promised.

Later came quickly. We ate a lot and then had a few drinks. When I realized it was nearing 8:00pm I tried to call, but my iPhone wasn’t working. The screen was frozen in the on position and my attempts to reset it by tapping the menu button didn’t work. I tried the power button on top, but the phone still didn’t respond. I assumed it just needed time so I stuck it back in my pocket and returned to conversing with friends. An hour later I pulled it out and found the exact same thing. I showed the guy next to me and told him it had been in that state over an hour. He removed the iPhone from its case and holding down both the power and menu buttons successfully reset the device. After a restart I was going to make the call, but saw that it was now nearing 10:00pm. Knowing that she had to work early, I decided not to call and simply sent a quick text explaining that I was still at the party and had been unable to call earlier because my phone was frozen. I realized that it would sound like a poor excuse, but I thought telling the truth would be better than neither calling nor texting at all. I never received a response.

The following day I called and left a voice message in the morning. About lunch time I sent another text since I assumed she was busy at work. I never heard from her again.

My reading on the situation is that her weird refusal to participate in Thanksgiving Day plans had nothing to do with her lack of interest in the holiday and everything to do with her attempt to pull a power play. She wanted to see if I would turn my back on friends at her request and forgo my long planned activities just to spend the day with her. She got her answer, though I’m certain it wasn’t what she expected. I got my Thanksgiving meal and it was exactly what I was expecting, though I was disappointed that two crazy women had interfered with my hopes to spend the day happily with friends and my kids.

Difficulty with Breaking Up

I have a tendency to remain too long in relationships even after realizing it isn’t going in a desired direction. I’m more passive in a relationship and will go along just to avoid conflict and keep the other person happy. I’ve been accused of being too nice by some friends. Eventually my discomfort builds up and I require an escape.

Maybe the girl becomes more attached than I intended or realized and before I know it we are skewed in our efforts to enjoy each other’s company. When our hopes and desires don’t match, then every conversation is dominated by suggestions of how we can fix it and what else we might try to create something that we both realize clearly isn’t present. This of course makes spending time unpleasant, uncomfortable and ultimately undesirable. Communication wanes and the whole thing eventually dissolves; often without solid closure.

I had a new thought though: maybe it is I who is the clingy one. Even after repeated failures I continue trying until frustration eventually overthrows the most intense efforts and interests. There are women who I dated years ago and some I haven’t seen in decades, but I still remain in contact with their close friends or immediate family members. Is it odd that twenty years after ending a relationship with a young lady I’m still sending greeting cards, talking on the phone and sharing meals with their father, brother, sister, cousin, niece or grandparent?

If I’m clinging to anything then I’m sure it is the good memories I have from youthful days. But could the extent to which I maintain an attachment be considered obsessive?

Marriage: Yes or No?

I saw a report on television a few days ago concerning a survey which revealed nearly half of Americans questioned reportedly could not see any true value in marriage.

Legally, it is skewed.
Emotionally it can be tortuous.
Financially, it is quite often disastrous.

There is far more to lose than to gain. Clearly the negatives outweigh the positives.
Married men are not even afforded the same opportunity for hope frequently given to convicted felons: the coveted chance for early parole or sentence reduction.

Most of those still holding out hope for a legal union being the answer to it all are simply too unfamiliar with the world to have a grasp on things. They are young, inexperienced with relationships and still fantasizing about such fairy tale possibilities as a prince riding a white horse rolling onto the scene of a gorgeous young maiden laid out on a slab in the wilderness all his for the taking.

Did you ever notice that most of the older people cast in major roles in fairy tales are not ones who children would wish to emulate. They are often cruel or sad figures representing the evils of fading youth. The malevolent king, the evil stepmother, the old wrinkled witch, the sad old lady living in a shoe, the hungry old cannibal lady who is so hungry that she tries to lure lost children into her home and eventually into her oven.

Who wrote these horrible stories and why were they so adamantly against mature folks?

Are You Hosting?

A tick embedded in your skin is always with you. But this companion is neither friend nor an equal partner. It takes from you what it needs to live and gives you nothing in return except possible severe illness.

Unmolested, it will remain with you as long as you permit it to do so: sucking you dry for sustenance. The tick will always be a burden to its host.

It has no special feelings for you and will quickly latch onto another should you become unavailable, unwilling or unworthy.

There are people who behave just like the tick. If you find yourself as a host, wise up and pluck the parasite off immediately.

Divorce provided the opportunity for me to reconnect with my parents

A child matures towards adulthood and seeks to expand his horizons, make his own decisions and experience a long dreamed of freedom. It is completely normal that we depart the home of our parental figures and seek to develop and create our own lives.

After the divorce, I began talking more to my parents. My mother worried about me as well as my young children so I tried to ease their minds by greatly increasing the frequencies of my telephone calls and visits. It was a positive experience that as an adult I had the rare opportunity to reconnect with my parents. My parents clearly enjoyed the increased communication, visits and vacations together as well. All of those experiences most likely never would have had occurred had I continued on the original path of matrimony.

It was a coming home of sorts. It helped me and my parents as well through a difficult time. The resulting closer relationship with my mother was a Godsend; for us both. Dr. Freud would surely have had something to say about that comment, but then his mind ran on a single track. Wherever life took him, his train always circled back to that single station of perverted thought.